


Louder

by BECandCall



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Character Interpretation, Florence + the Machine References, Gen, Implied/Referenced Mind Control, Indoctrination Theory, Inspired by Florence + the Machine, Mind Control, Songfic, Synthesis Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 17:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17564750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BECandCall/pseuds/BECandCall
Summary: Every step closer was a step toward destruction





	Louder

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics used in this songfic and the title are taken from Florence + the Machine's "Drumming Song", linked here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boo2Zm69fhY&index=19&t=0s&list=PLwceFb1owDJk4bRv-qc8R3wXrNmACnTD7
> 
> I highly recommend listening to the song along with the story, before or after. Or just in general. It's a great song. :)
> 
> This fic plays with the idea behind the Indoctrination Theory, which I understand is a rather controversial theory. Ye be warned.

_There’s a drumming noise inside my head_   
_That starts when you’re around_   
_I swear that you could hear it_   
_It makes such an almighty sound_

It began as a quiet pulse in the back of her mind. Slow, slower than her body’s normal rhythm, but steady. Nearly indistinguishable at first behind her heartbeat. So subtle that, for a long while, she didn’t even notice. She couldn’t say when it started, but it was definitely a recent change. Certainly no older than the Eden Prime mission.

_There’s a drumming noise inside my head_   
_That throws me to the ground_   
_I swear that you should hear it_   
_It makes such an almighty sound_

It did eventually become noticeable. During the rare moments when she found herself alone, she would turn her head this way and that, trying to hear more clearly, trying to gauge its origin. It never changed volume or tempo; always that same steady, slow pulse. It began to feel like it had always been there. 

_Louder than sirens_   
_Louder than bells_   
_Sweeter than heaven_   
_And hotter than hell_

After that, she couldn’t ever not hear it. She began to forget what silence sounded like. It was becoming irritating. She took to leaving a fan on at night, and program white noise into her earpiece to avoid hearing it, but even if she managed to drown it out, her body would move to its rhythm all the same, almost like muscle memory. She became used to it, at times subconsciously tapping her foot to the beat. Garrus asked her about it once, but she merely shrugged, explaining she’d had something stuck in her head for ages. When he offered jokingly to play some classic turian beats to take her mind off it, she merely smiled and shook her head. Nothing seems to work, she explained. Garrus shrugged it off as a human quirk. 

_I ran to a tower where the church bells chime_   
_I hoped that they would clear my mind_   
_They left a ringing in my ear_   
_But that drum’s still beating loud and clear_

The din of battle would sometimes drown it out, but only temporarily. Always on the other side, after the last enemy fell and silence took over a battlefield, it would be there. Past the tinnitus, relentless and eternal, it waited. Sometimes she considered mentioning it to Dr. Chakwas, but always stopped herself. For some reason, she was reluctant to let anyone know about her second pulse. Maybe she was afraid they’d think the stress was getting to her. It was hard enough to get the Council to take her seriously, after all. So she kept her concerns to herself, and took pleasure in the few moments when the sounds of gunfire would temporarily drown it out. How ironic, to take a moment of peace from such chaos. 

_Louder than sirens_   
_Louder than bells_   
_Sweeter than heaven_   
_And hotter than hell_

Eventually, the pulse turned into pounding. It wasn’t painful, but it was relentless. She couldn’t ignore it, nor could she acknowledge it. She had a mission, and she wouldn’t let this stop her. When Liara asked her how she was feeling, she brushed off the concern, admitting only that she had trouble sleeping. If Liara assumed it was due to the visions from the Prothean beacon, she wasn’t about to disillusion her. She’d come this far, and she’d be damned if she was going to let a simple sound stop her. 

_Louder than sirens_   
_Louder than bells_   
_Sweeter than heaven_   
_And hotter than hell_

Sometimes, when she couldn’t sleep, she would listen to the rhythm, singing songs to herself that matched the tempo. Others began to notice her humming during quiet moments, though none commented on it. She was under a lot of stress after all. It seemed a perfectly understandable coping mechanism. Once, Kaidan asked her about the twitching. Every so often, her hands would flick outward, as if waving off a fly. The movement was miniscule, but noticeable. He received a confused stare in response. He promptly dropped it and changed the subject. Who knew what lasting nerve damage she’d acquired during the countless firefights they’d seen? It was none of his business. 

_Louder than sirens_   
_Louder than bells_   
_Sweeter than heaven_   
_And hotter than hell_

Matriarch Benezia’s words stuck with her long after the Normandy left Noveria, as did the rachni queen’s. The thought of being influenced, of being trapped inside yourself as you are forced to do terrible things. She couldn’t quite understand why it left her feeling so cold. She tried to shake it off, throwing herself into mission prep to get her mind off it. When sleep eluded her, she would walk the ship, slowly patrolling its perimeter, coming to a brief rest in the cockpit to watch the blue shift slide across the viewscreen. The third shift pilot must have mentioned her patrols to Joker, who came up to her once on his way to the mess and discretely handed her a bottle of pills. He suffered from insomnia too, he explained. Those pills were the only thing that worked for him. He winked at her, a silent assurance that he would keep his mouth shut. A leader had to always be their best, or appear to be. She nodded her thanks and went on her way. The pills at least let her sleep, but the beat was still there whenever she woke. 

_As I move my feet towards your body_   
_I can hear this beat it fills my head up_   
_And gets louder and louder_   
_It fills my head up and gets louder and louder_

Approaching the massive hologram wasn’t a conscious choice. She felt her legs move, but it was like she was watching from inside herself. When the hologram spoke, every word echoed in her head, drowning out everything else, even the rhythm. Those echoes stayed long after, bouncing back and forth between the beats, shifting through her as hissing whispers, turning the simple rhythm into a new song. The Virmire mission was a success, but it had cost her a dear friend. She expected to see Ash’s face in her dreams that night. Instead, when she closed her eyes she saw that hologram. Sovereign. And as ever, the song continued. 

_I run to the river and dive straight in_   
_I pray that the water will drown out the din_   
_But as the water fills my mouth_   
_It couldn’t wash the echoes out_   
_But as the water fills my mouth_   
_It couldn’t wash the echoes out_

It was ridiculous, really. She should be afraid, should be trying to save herself. But as she drifted across the dark vacuum, watching as the air burned and fell apart around her, gasping desperately for air - a physical response, belying her calm - she wanted to laugh. Her last thoughts were of relief. Maybe now the song would finally stop. 

_I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole_   
_‘Til there’s nothing left inside my soul_   
_I’m as empty as that beating drum_   
_But the sound has just begun_

Waking was a shock. Had she died? Was this what came after? Pain grounded her, as did the disembodied voice shouting orders at her. Her mission wasn’t complete; now she would finish it. It wasn’t until some time later, when she had her first quiet moment alone, that she noticed. The song had stopped. She had forgotten what silence sounded like. For the first time in ages she allowed herself the release of weeping. Whatever Cerberus wanted her for, it was worth it to hear silence once again. 

_As I move my feet towards your body_   
_I can hear this beat it fills my head up_   
_And gets louder and louder_   
_It fills my head up and gets louder and louder_

She should have known better. Within days, the pulse was back, and she wept a second time, despairing at its return. Of course it hadn’t gone away; it had evolved. No more songs echoing Sovereign’s words. They had shifted and took form instead of sound. Sound changed to waves that almost formed the shape of people, who spoke in whispers that almost sounded like words. Soon they were her constant companions, always in the periphery of her sight. They spoke nonsense, but no matter. She understood what they were trying to say. She started drinking to drown them out. 

_There’s a drumming noise inside my head_   
_That starts when you’re around_   
_I swear that you could hear it_   
_It makes such an almighty sound_

Destroying the collector ship felt good, like a step in the right direction. Mostly, it just felt good to finally tell the Illusive Man what she really thought of him. She’d come to hate his smirking face, his piercing gaze. Even his voice annoyed her, though perhaps that was just because the whispers always grew louder when he spoke. It was hard sometimes to follow a conversation when they were so demanding of her attention. To drown them out, she repeated mantras to herself. The Reapers had to be fought. The Reapers had to be defeated. She was fighting them. She was going to defeat them. She tried hard not to think about how long she had hesitated before making the choice. She tried to ignore the accusatory pointing of the rippling shadows. They certainly weren’t happy with her. They made sure she got no sleep that night. 

_There’s a drumming noise inside my head_   
_That starts when you’re around_   
_I swear that you could hear it_   
_It makes such an almighty sound_

The child was the key. She had to find him, had to help him. She chased his trail through the oily shadows, ignored them as they pointed and jeered, mocking her mistakes, taunting her with voices of those she’d failed. But every time she reached him, it was useless. She could only watch as he was consumed in flames before her. It was hard to be too upset about it though. Whenever she woke, sheets flung from the bed in her thrashing, clothes soaked in cold sweat, she saw him standing there, at the end of her bed, patiently waiting for her to try again. One of these days, I’ll save you, she’d tell him. And he’d smile and nod. Of course she would. 

_Louder than sirens_   
_Louder than bells_   
_Sweeter than heaven_   
_And hotter than hell_

This was it. All her choices, everything she had fought for, culminated in this moment. One final push toward the goal. All they had to do was reach that beam. From the Citadel, they could activate the Crucible and it would all be over. Every inch of her ached to reach that beam, and every voice in her head echoed the same. She was pure adrenaline. She barely felt Harbinger’s beam as it swept over her. 

_Louder than sirens_   
_Louder than bells_   
_Sweeter than heaven_   
_And hotter than hell_

Everything after that felt like a dream. She was chasing the child again. Going through the beam was the greatest moment of relief of her life. By the time she came out the other side, she finally understood. The shadows were not shadows anymore. She knew them. Finally, she saw everything clearly. Anderson was doing his best to fend off the Illusive Man. She tried to intervene, but could save neither. More failures. More mistakes. But it wasn’t over. The child was there, at last able to speak - or was she only now able to comprehend? She had a choice to make. 

_As I move my feet towards your body_   
_I can hear this beat it fills my head up_   
_And gets louder and louder_   
_It fills my head up and gets louder and louder_

Which way? The Illusive Man would turn the Reapers into slaves, and slaves always rebelled. That wasn’t the way. Anderson wanted death and destruction. Death only breeds revenge. Of course that couldn’t be the way. No, both of these were wrong. Calmly, the child points to a third path. The light beckoned, like the beacon on Eden Prime. Like the flames that burned the child and her together. Like the beam that brought her here. Yes, that had to be it. We have to join them. I have to save him. It all makes sense now. At last, the voices would stop, there would be silence, she would be free. 

But with every step forward she took, the sound grew louder. Louder and louder, ‘til it filled her.


End file.
